Where's the one I used to know?
by Spitaalinen
Summary: My first fanfic. There is something wierd in Norway, and little Iceland has never felt so helpless. Not shonen-ai, just some brotherly love.


Authors note:

This is my first Fan fic ever, and English is not my native language (It's Finnish, is you want to know) so please forgive me some of my grammar mistakes.

At the beginning Iceland is still young Iceland, and it's written in his POV.

I do not own Axis Powers Hetalia, or the chacters.

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"Never forgetwhat I did, what I said  
When I gave you all my heart and soul.  
Morning will come and I know we'll be one  
Cause I still believe that you'll remember me."

Jonsi and Greta Salome - Never Forget

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I had always liked the way he looked at me. I didn't tell it to him, of course, but I liked it. Normally I couldn't see any expression in his eyes, but when he looked at me there was a slight sign of something, what I didn't quite catch. He didn't smile, nor looked sad. His face was always so blank, like white paper, without any expression or color. I was always wondering why he was like that. Matias, the eldest of us, smiled all the time. Tino smiled a lot too, and then there was Berwald, hwo smiled every once in a while, but his smile was always real. Well, then there was two of us, me and him. I didn't think about smiling as a normal expression, I hardly smiled, but still, I at least smiled somethimes. He didn't. I had never seen him smile. I had never seen what was behind that blank expression of his, if you didn't count the times, when he looked at me with that look in his eyes. But still, it was hardly a expression.

Puffin sitted on the table before me. He didn't say anything, I didn't either. I had nothing to talk about. It had been really silent in our house for a while. It was hardly never like this, silent I meant. Matias was always making up some noice, what ever he was doing, but now he wasn't here. There was something he had to take care about, and now it was just me and him. My one and only real brother, Lukas. Even thought we had different names, we still were related, liked it or not. Calling someone, even him, a big brother wasn't something I could easily do. Can a nation have family, I really didn't know, but if could, then he might be the closest thing I'd call a "family". Well, I guess Matias was kind of part our family... He had been taking care of all four of us, well at least before Tino and Berwald left. It had been some years already and I missed them a little. Berwald and Matias had not been in contact after that. But speaking about those two, I guess to eachother they would be something you could call a family.

"It sure is lonely..." I said leaning my head to my hands. I just had nothing to do, and the silence didn't help my boredom at all. Lukas hadn't been talking to me for a some time, and I was sick of it. He wasn't really talktive in the first place, but he had been even more silent for a couple of days. It almost made me worry, when I remembered to remind myself that I shouldn't worry too much. He was complitely able to take care of himself. But that wasn't all. Yes, he was even more spaced out than normally, but he didn't look at me that way anymore either, the feeling I saw in his eyes was not something I couldn't understand anymore. It was sadness, and I didn't even know why. It made me feel really uncomfortable. And the top of that, he kept disappearing to some place. Exactly, I knew where he was going all the time. I have seen that place.

It had been before Berwald and Tino left home, when I saw that place for the first time. It's a little crag, hidden from the ones hwo didn't know it was there. I once had followed him there, and saw his figure just standing there, in front of a pile of stones. First time I just wathed him. He went there many times, and many times I followed. Then once I just couldn't stand the curiousity any more. "What's this place, stóri bróðir?" I had asked, using the name 'stóri bróðir', witch meant 'big brother' purposely. He looked at me for a while. There was no suprise or irritation on his face. "It's my secret place, lillebror", he finally answered. "It's a place, where I come to think." I didn't understand what he ment with it. "And what's that pile of stones?" I had asked next. For a moment he looked sad and raised his gaze to the skies. "It's the number of years I have been alone."

After that I had started to hate that place. I didn't follow him anymore. Even... Everytime he left I felt bad. Someday I didn't care about it anymore. Lukas gave me Puffin for birthday just some years ago, and with that, I had gained my first friend. Even Mr. Puffin is sometimes really annoying and he's just a bird (a puffin, of course. Yes, I'm really imaginationless with names) he still gave me an idea to go there again. And I did so. And the fact, that made me happy was, the pile of stones wasn't any bigger than years ago. Yes, I was happy about such a stupid thing.

I shaked thoughts out of my head and went downstairs. I stopped my steps just before I opened the kitchen door, because I heard a sound of breaking glass. I opened the door just to see Lukas on his knees on the ground, a broken coffee cup just next to him, holding a hand in front of his mouth. His hat lay in the coffee puddle, and there was some of it even on the hem of his long, blue tunic. "What happened?" I asked raising my eyebrow. Lukas looked up to me, as I standed on the kitchen's door, Puffin sitting on top of my head. "Nothing", he answered, "I just slipped, that's all." I felt uneasy. He turned his back to me, but not fast enough. I could see something dripping down his chin as he wiped it off. Something red. I just couldn't ask what was wrong, something stopped me. Lukas just walked past me, and I couldn't stop him. I wished, that I had been able to.

The next day he didn't rose from his bed. He was sick. Of course, he kept denying it, but it was too obvious. He was a lot sicker than he said he was. I was worried, but I couldn't do anything. I didn't know, what I should have done. Something at least. I just killed time in my room, and sometimes I went and peeked in his room, just to see, that he sat in a exact same position as before, and strared out the window. Next day was not better, or the day after. He began to cough, and no matter how well he tried to hide it, he sometimes coughed blood. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know that it was possible for a nation to become sick. He was Norway, Lukas Bondevik was Norway, a nation, and there he was, laying in his bed, all silent and sick. I really wanted to help, but he didn't let me. He was ingoring me, and I didn't know why.

And that's how five days passed. I tried to contact Matias. He was a lot older nation than I, so I hoped he would know something. He answered, he said he'll be heading home as soon as he could. It made me feel a bit lighter. I went to Lukas's bedroom to tell him that, but I almost got a heart attact at the moment I opened the door. He was not there. His tunic laid on the bed, as did his hat and the necklace he often wore. But he wasn't here. I ran downstairs to look out the kitchen, and every other room I could find, but he wasn't here. I returned to his room, and spotted a note I hadn't seen before. "I have felt lonely for a while already, so it's not done yet", it said. And then I realized that his cape and shoes were gone. I didn't stop to think it trough, I just ran out of the door, leaving even Puffin behind. I knew where he had gone, I new it better than well.

There was some snow on the ground. For a grown up it would have been just a little bit of it, but for me it was enough to slow me down. I was panting and stumbleing as I tried to run in it. Yes, I was panicing, of course. I wanted to find him soon as possible, but that "soon" felt like a enternity. I was really horrified. I was crying. In the end, even when I was desperate to find him as soon as I could, it was not enough. When I arrived to his secrect place, all messed up and snowy. He was standing there, with a stone in hand. I didn't move when he put the stone on the top of the pile he already had done. "Lukas!" I shouted when he turned to look at me. He smiled, a faint, sad smile, whitch made my heart skip a beat. I ran up the snowy slope between us, as his legs gave up and he fell down on the ground.

When I got there, a moment later, I couldn't do anything anymore. His eyes were shut, and his skin was even paler than before. I touched his cheek, but I couldn't feel a warmth of a person. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I tried to do something, at least something, deny that it was not too late. But besides that, I was suprisingly calm. Lukas's face was still on a faint smile, even thought there was a little trickle of blood on his chin. In his hands he was holding his golden cross shaped hair pin.

I wasn't able to do anything at all.

I had never been able to.

I miss my stóri bróðir.

.

.

.

It has been years and years since then. Since I last saw him. And the feeling him being with me has not yet gone away. In my chest pocket, there is a small, golden cross. It's his, I'm just holding onto it. And for him, I've been doing this for so long. Just to finish what he had started, just for him.

I pile a stone after another. This makes no sence, but still I keep doing this. Just for the sake of his smiling face. I want to see it again. I miss him. On that snowy crag there is now two piles of stones. One covered with snow, and another, newer. His and mine. The number of years I have been alone. It's done, I have to leave now. I don't live with Matias anymore, I'm not a kid anymore. Now I, Emil Steilson, am a intependent country, Iceland, and now I have to leave this place.

I don't smile often. I can't find a reason to. Everything annoys me, so I don't have any intention to smile. But somehow, I don't feel lonely anymore, so I don't need to pile any more stones. I'm relieved, so now it's a good time to smile. I look at the sky. It's the same sky as always. Grey, norden sky. "It's done, stóri bróðir."

"You did well, lillebror."

THE END

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Please, because this is my first fanfic, feedback is more than welcome. It really helps me improve.


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